I retired at 62 from teaching last year, and I saw all of this happening. I am so so glad I got out, but I am frustrated for your sake. I left frankly disappointed in many colleagues who gave in on phones and AI.
Thanks for the support, and I totally agree with you on the disappointment. I try to be as understanding and empathetic as I can with folks, but it's tough when that results in being seen as "that guy that collects phones."
😂 I feel your pain as a retired 41-year teaching veteran. Journalism, photo, and English. Love the footnotes. You basically have to teach your subject like PE, no offense to PE teachers.😂
My kid just finished her first year of middle school and I am already exhausted with phone policy. We gave her a phone to increase her after-school independence, so she could go to a friend’s or the library without having to walk home to tell us. I expected her phone to remain in her locker all day, off. But that’s not allowed. They have a calculator-pocket system at the front of every class, which bugs me because I don’t really want her using it inbetween or at lunch…but those are the rules, and she’s still little enough to listen to us ask her not to use it at those times, mostly.
But as the year went on, and especially for the last week or so of lots of low stakes activities, way more teachers than I’d like let them use their phones during class. During the movie days that give the teachers their extra prep time for end-or-year stuff. During the ten minutes at the end of class because the sub disregarded the lesson plans. During a tech-based lesson after the one-to-one laptops were collected.
I regret getting it for her as much as I appreciate the ability for her to do what I did afterschool - hang out with a friend or go get ice cream or visit the library - without the anxiety that is now inherent in not knowing exactly where your kid is. And we are older parents and expect our child to have far more independence than most of the other parents do, believing it is easier to learn to be responsible for yourself when you are small than when you are big.
I really love getting the “I’m going to the coffee shop with my friend” text that means she’s been using her allowance for connecting with a friend in real life. And since there are no longer any pay phones, I appreciate she has a way to call if she is in a jam. But I’m so frustrated with the school not actually bothering with their own policy that I’m trying to decide if “come home and talk to us/pick up your phone before going out again” or a general curfew or setting the phone to literally not work during school is the best option.
I’m enjoying your Substack and appreciate the information and the occasional mild rants. Keep it up.
First, it's completely okay to not know where your middle-school kid is. Did your parents always know where you were? My parents didn't. We had to be home by a specific time. Until that time, we were free and unsupervised. The world is safer now than it was back then, the risks are lower. If your anxiety is the problem, work on that. Getting into jams without a parent available to bail you out is how kids develop grit and independence. You can't have mommy in your pocket all day and expect to come out the other side self-sufficient.
Two, there are alternatives to smartphones. There are classic flip phones, Litephone, Minimal phone. There are dozens of non-smartphone options that permit calls and texts and nothing else. Perhaps explore those avenues.
I find your response frustrating and I wrote a rather long rant whose points boil down to this:
Mine is the measured response of the parent dealing with a specific kid in a specific neighborhood at this specific moment in history.
My kid’s level of independence has built over a long time and a lot of lessons and this is the next step towards more independence. There are no pay phones and culture has changed. That is not “mommy in her pocket” and I take offense to that comment.
I was definitely expected to tell my mother where I was going generally and when I would be back approximately.
I can tell you that having lived through puberty as a girl, the level of catcalling and sexual harassment that is a daily occurrence would have been far easier dealt with by my having a phone and photo device because no one else in a restaurant was willing to help me when some asshole trapped my eleven year old self in a booth, making lewd suggestions and offering me dirty pictures. The phone in this instance would be part of using the tools at hand to build grit.
I spent my kid’s entire life so far making sure to teach her age-appropriate skills like “how to cross the street safely” and “what to do if there is a creeper at the grocery store” and “how do I exercise independence responsibly.” And now we do “how to use a phone responsibly.”
I just want school to enforce its own damned rules so they aren’t all little addicts.
Thank you for this response. Upon re-reading my statements, I was needlessly judgmental and lacking empathy. We are all doing the best we can in a strange and rapidly changing environment.
As a fellow parent of younger kids (5 and 9), I am very concerned about what is to come the next few years. I speak from place of fear. I had a very free childhood full of unsupervised rompings through woods and creeks and towns. I have worked hard to create similar environment for my children.
Best of luck, I hope you daughter appreciates everything you are doing and have done for her.
Thanks so much. You’ve got really good points, and a really good approach to phone use and the technology, but I think you may represent about 5% of parents. YOu’ve given me a lot to think about and I want to talk about it more coming up.
OMG. This. I work in a medium sized urban high school. The level of violence post COVID was unreal for the first few years. Finally a year and a half ago, a plan was made to start collecting cell phones. I help deliver them at the end of the school day. I would say the class cell phone bins are maybe half full. At first, the ones sneaking them in kept it on the DL. Now you see kids on the phones in the hallway, in class, making tiktoks on the stairs. Kids always know when it's just policy theater. (Plus apparently our security was told by their district supervisor that collecting phones is not part of their job description, so if kids come in late after teachers have finished checking bags it is truly just honor system. 🤦
“Policy theater,” yet another of the services we provide, just like security theater of occasional (sorry, “random”) days with metal detectors and teachers peeking in bags and generally feeling awkward and not trained as a TSA agent.
What an exhausting battle..
I am that 5% Parent. Its lonely out there.
Thank you for fighting for all of us.
I retired at 62 from teaching last year, and I saw all of this happening. I am so so glad I got out, but I am frustrated for your sake. I left frankly disappointed in many colleagues who gave in on phones and AI.
Thanks for the support, and I totally agree with you on the disappointment. I try to be as understanding and empathetic as I can with folks, but it's tough when that results in being seen as "that guy that collects phones."
Such a smart, honest, and irreverent take on this issue - and so fun (and depressing) to read!
Thanks so much, and thanks for reading!
😂 I feel your pain as a retired 41-year teaching veteran. Journalism, photo, and English. Love the footnotes. You basically have to teach your subject like PE, no offense to PE teachers.😂
Ha! Covered a PE class once this past year, and know exactly what you mean.
My kid just finished her first year of middle school and I am already exhausted with phone policy. We gave her a phone to increase her after-school independence, so she could go to a friend’s or the library without having to walk home to tell us. I expected her phone to remain in her locker all day, off. But that’s not allowed. They have a calculator-pocket system at the front of every class, which bugs me because I don’t really want her using it inbetween or at lunch…but those are the rules, and she’s still little enough to listen to us ask her not to use it at those times, mostly.
But as the year went on, and especially for the last week or so of lots of low stakes activities, way more teachers than I’d like let them use their phones during class. During the movie days that give the teachers their extra prep time for end-or-year stuff. During the ten minutes at the end of class because the sub disregarded the lesson plans. During a tech-based lesson after the one-to-one laptops were collected.
I regret getting it for her as much as I appreciate the ability for her to do what I did afterschool - hang out with a friend or go get ice cream or visit the library - without the anxiety that is now inherent in not knowing exactly where your kid is. And we are older parents and expect our child to have far more independence than most of the other parents do, believing it is easier to learn to be responsible for yourself when you are small than when you are big.
I really love getting the “I’m going to the coffee shop with my friend” text that means she’s been using her allowance for connecting with a friend in real life. And since there are no longer any pay phones, I appreciate she has a way to call if she is in a jam. But I’m so frustrated with the school not actually bothering with their own policy that I’m trying to decide if “come home and talk to us/pick up your phone before going out again” or a general curfew or setting the phone to literally not work during school is the best option.
I’m enjoying your Substack and appreciate the information and the occasional mild rants. Keep it up.
Two thoughts here.
First, it's completely okay to not know where your middle-school kid is. Did your parents always know where you were? My parents didn't. We had to be home by a specific time. Until that time, we were free and unsupervised. The world is safer now than it was back then, the risks are lower. If your anxiety is the problem, work on that. Getting into jams without a parent available to bail you out is how kids develop grit and independence. You can't have mommy in your pocket all day and expect to come out the other side self-sufficient.
Two, there are alternatives to smartphones. There are classic flip phones, Litephone, Minimal phone. There are dozens of non-smartphone options that permit calls and texts and nothing else. Perhaps explore those avenues.
I find your response frustrating and I wrote a rather long rant whose points boil down to this:
Mine is the measured response of the parent dealing with a specific kid in a specific neighborhood at this specific moment in history.
My kid’s level of independence has built over a long time and a lot of lessons and this is the next step towards more independence. There are no pay phones and culture has changed. That is not “mommy in her pocket” and I take offense to that comment.
I was definitely expected to tell my mother where I was going generally and when I would be back approximately.
I can tell you that having lived through puberty as a girl, the level of catcalling and sexual harassment that is a daily occurrence would have been far easier dealt with by my having a phone and photo device because no one else in a restaurant was willing to help me when some asshole trapped my eleven year old self in a booth, making lewd suggestions and offering me dirty pictures. The phone in this instance would be part of using the tools at hand to build grit.
I spent my kid’s entire life so far making sure to teach her age-appropriate skills like “how to cross the street safely” and “what to do if there is a creeper at the grocery store” and “how do I exercise independence responsibly.” And now we do “how to use a phone responsibly.”
I just want school to enforce its own damned rules so they aren’t all little addicts.
Thank you for this response. Upon re-reading my statements, I was needlessly judgmental and lacking empathy. We are all doing the best we can in a strange and rapidly changing environment.
As a fellow parent of younger kids (5 and 9), I am very concerned about what is to come the next few years. I speak from place of fear. I had a very free childhood full of unsupervised rompings through woods and creeks and towns. I have worked hard to create similar environment for my children.
Best of luck, I hope you daughter appreciates everything you are doing and have done for her.
Thanks so much. You’ve got really good points, and a really good approach to phone use and the technology, but I think you may represent about 5% of parents. YOu’ve given me a lot to think about and I want to talk about it more coming up.
OMG. This. I work in a medium sized urban high school. The level of violence post COVID was unreal for the first few years. Finally a year and a half ago, a plan was made to start collecting cell phones. I help deliver them at the end of the school day. I would say the class cell phone bins are maybe half full. At first, the ones sneaking them in kept it on the DL. Now you see kids on the phones in the hallway, in class, making tiktoks on the stairs. Kids always know when it's just policy theater. (Plus apparently our security was told by their district supervisor that collecting phones is not part of their job description, so if kids come in late after teachers have finished checking bags it is truly just honor system. 🤦
“Policy theater,” yet another of the services we provide, just like security theater of occasional (sorry, “random”) days with metal detectors and teachers peeking in bags and generally feeling awkward and not trained as a TSA agent.
I like your style. I will be reading more.
Thanks!